2019: My Year in Review
Every year, I conduct a review of my year to look back, celebrate what I achieved, see what didn’t go to plan and what I learnt. I do this by focusing on a simple set of 3 questions: What did I learn? What did I apply? What do I want to learn/apply next?
Welcome to my review of 2019!
An inward journey like never before
In 2019, I went on an inward journey like never before, one that has left a deep imprint on me & my life.
I never expected it. I definitely didn't choose it. But I'm really proud of the odyssey I embarked on, and the way I chose to navigate the waves life brought my way.
It is a year my life utterly utterly changed forever.
Dear reader,
I know spirituality & religion isn't for everyone but truly, I don't know how else to put it other than it was down to some crazy mad divine intervention & blessings from God. Even now, I'm overwhelmed with the deepest feeling of gratitude, because those divine interventions truly saved and served me.
People always talk about these moments, but you never really expect to be the messenger sharing them.
And yet here I am, the emissary covered in bruises, scars and flowers telling you (a portion) of my story.
So what happened? And why did I take so long to share this 2019 review? In almost 10 years of writing a yearly review, this was the first time I didn't post one.
It's not because I didn't write one or I didn't want to. The truth is I just wanted to be kind. I wanted to wait and let life happen before I opened up my wounds for you to see. I wanted to wait, and try to avoid creating more hurt or judgement by speaking out.
Sharing your truth authentically on the internet is a wonderfully courageous thing to do, and I admire anyone who does it. But it also opens you up to comment & opinion from anyone anywhere. A dangerous enterprise to embark on, especially when it concerns things like mental wellbeing & trauma.
What you are about to read has been edited thousands of times, and is something I'm very careful to share. I've always been an open person, happy to share my rawest most vulnerable truths. But I've come to realise this year how that has to be balanced by boundaries. Set there to protect and guard your growth.
I've had many conversations at length with what I call my 'healing team' about this & we chose to wait. Till what or when I dunno, but at least when I'm in a place where I can talk about these things without feeling disturbed or unsafe. I'm mostly 80% of the way there. But there are still very hard days filled with things beyond my comprehension emotionally.
It's those days I fear. As they take me back to a really hard place, which leave me totally paralysed with grief, terror and sadness.
With that said, please bear in mind the sensitive nature of what you read.
It's not done easily. But I do know, I kinda just - need to post this long lingering review.
Okay.
Deep breathe..!
From Trauma to Triumph
In 2019, I was freed from a toxic & emotionally abusive relationship that I held on way too long to. In hindsight, I think a part of me knew, even when it began, that something was wrong.
It’s weird but I genuinely felt a primal terror in my body. At the time, I put it down to a fear of commitment, but I realise now it was my first feather, tap, bus moment.
Relationships require work, and this isn’t intentional, I told myself. But just because you can explain something, doesn’t mean you can excuse it. Mistakenly, I continued to try and put the work in.
Anyway, once it was clear the relationship was over. I went to what I knew needed to happen – slowing down, healing and working on myself deeper than ever before. It was during this time, my therapists explained to me what had happened & things suddenly became clear. Unfortunately in my life, I’ve now experienced 3 big break ups and heart breaks. This trumped them all in size and gravity, because of the insidious nature of the damage it caused.
There’s something about heartbreak. You don’t just feel one. You feel the impact of every preceding moment of hurt before it.
A wiser part of me knew then, this was a tsunami I was being swept away with and I needed to follow my own advice by giving myself time and space to heal. I would not be able to fulfil my usual duties & commitments.
And so I took a lot of time off. To hold space for myself, and navigate slowly through the thickets of turmoil that ensued.
‘The teaching of every one of the great sacred texts is that control is an illusion. When you understand that ultimately you are not the doer, you can step back from yourself. That is the only path to serenity.’
I suppose we have this idea that when we experience heartbreak and trauma once, we will learn from it and it won’t happen to us again. Somehow we’re immune because we’re automatically wiser. But it’s not experience that brings us insight and wisdom. It’s the reflection of our experiences that leads to insight. Especially when we have an expert, coach, therapist or guide to help point the way.
Added on top of that idea of experiential immunity, I felt (and to some degree still feel) a lot of shame & foolishness. I’m supposed to be this expert life coach with years of experience in helping others. All these videos and life advice I espouse on the internet. How could this happen to me? Why? How could I not realise the truth? How did I not walk away earlier? Why didn’t I realise what was happening wasn’t normal, it was abusive?
In truth, it’s something I’m still navigating with the help of trained wellbeing professionals and loved ones. If it’s something you can relate to, you should definitely seek help from a professional coach or therapist.
I did, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. In fact, since the break up I’ve worked with 6 different experts – specifically because I didn’t believe it was abusive and that I was making it all up to make myself feel better.
It’s taken such a long time, and many therapy sessions with all these different people, to even accept that it’s not something I’m spinning as a tale to sleep better at night, it is something that is real, something that happened, and saying that doesn’t make me good and them evil. It just makes us both human.
Until I embrace this fact – I will continue to hit a ceiling in my journey of growth and healing.
If that wasn’t enough of a life altering event, I ended the year finding something and someone magical at a time I least expected it.
Finding my person and embarking on a relationship that has been the most beautiful gift of joy to ever grace my life. It was completely unexpected and caught me by surprise, but a welcome one at that. I’m thankful too, that my work in therapy helped me to be patient enough to wait, yet self aware enough to embrace this magnificent new chapter.
If this was a hurt like no other, it came with a joy like no other. One which I accept fully, and completely.
Happiness and love is something we all deserve. And though our hearts may get bruised, we should never allow that to create barriers where there should be bridges.
The Lotus that Blooms Forth 🌸
Creativity & creative therapies have long held a special place for survivors on a healing journey. One of my favourite artists: Molly from Buddha Doodles has always spoken of how it has helped with managing her PTSD. Inspired by that, I spent time expressing and channelling my focus into a work of my own.
In 2019, I released ‘The Lotus That Blooms Forth’, a spoken word & motivation mixtape that touched on topics like self doubt, compassion, toxic masculinity, mental health & wellbeing.
So.
There we have it.. my review of a life changing ‘quake’ year.
Looking back, it was a hard and tricky one to navigate. But I’m really proud of the grace and patience I navigated these things with, and all things considered, it has certainly left me in a freer and happier place overall.
Here's some stuff I want to remember from this year:
- Commit to crazy goals. I took part in a challenge where I made daily YouTube videos for 60+ days. It was hard work, but it was awesome.
- If your partner’s behaviour makes you feel small, controlled or as if you’re unable to talk about what’s wrong, it’s abusive.
- If you made the wrong decision. Don’t be afraid to change it. Probably one of the silliest things I’ve done: I was going to step down as CEO Revolution Hive. But then realised it was the wrong decision completely. Special thanks to my partner in life Ishani for bringing me to my senses.
- Don’t try to heal. Just focus on the conditions for healing to take place.
- You can’t protect other people from their own behaviours. (Thanks: Gurmeet)
- Don’t burn yourself to keep someone else warm.
- You can’t heal what you deny. (Thanks to my therapist Anthea)
- Creativity is freedom. Keep chasing what brings you to life. Especially if it’s what your heart seeks & you can! I released my second spoken word & motivation mixtape, called The Lotus That Blooms Forth. It wasn’t a business decision. Or a marketing decision. It was just a soul loving, heart decision.
- True love does exist. Soulmates do exist. Healthy, loving, wonderful and EASY, relationships do exist.
- Feather, tap. Bus. (Thanks: Jaz)
- How a relationship starts matters. How a relationship ends matters.
Sunset selfie from an insightful trip to Wales in October, learning about anti-racism.
- Some of the videos I produced on YouTube were absolute genius that I don’t even know how I created.
- Being really kind, and dignified at the end when the break up happened.
- Being really committed to self care & healing by taking 4 months off all work to focus on inner work.
- Keeping my heart open, not closed – despite the heartbreaks & trauma I’ve experienced in life.
- Using mindfulness meditation to stay calm during the most severe panic attack & C-PTSD waves I’ve ever encountered.
- Successfully crowdfunding £3k+ for Revolution Hive, and a grant from the Paul Hamlyn Foundation.
- Even on some of my worst, most triggering days of C-PTSD & panic attacks, I was still kind. I still meditated. I still worked out. I still showed up.
People I want to thank this year:
- Ishani, for simply being wonderful in an infinite amount of ways.
- My mum. Who cried & felt my pain with me. And cheered for me when I was broken & lost.
- Louis Howell. for standing with me & listening.
- Gurmeet. For ensuring I never strayed to a darker path, and internalised the trauma I was given. Being probably the greatest friend I could ever ask for, at a time I needed it most, and wasn’t fully able to ask for it.
- Parth. For challenging me, holding me & teaching me what it means to approach life with maturity and serenity
- Gowri. Similar to the above. Even feeding me when I wouldn’t eat, and being brutally honest in her assessment of what I’d experienced.
- Anthea Hassim, Shannon Thomas, Nova Gibson, Jackson McKenzie, Alex Dalziel & Dee Albert – professional therapists & counsellors who helped me accept & heal.
- YouTube – they even emailed me to ask if I needed help!!
- My cousins Avadesh & Krupali, for creating the best time for us while we were in India
- The founder of Awakin Circles, Nipun Mehta, for his insights & wisdom
- Deyarcreations, for her work on our collab for the mixtape
- Kavit Haria, who offered me a 100% refund on his ABS course – without even a second’s hesitation. It set a huge example to me and I hope to repay him someday for this.
- My cute little nephew Vishaan, who brought me hope for a brighter future. We emerged into the world together.
2019, was my quake year.
Section 1: Reading, Writing & Insights
I highly recommend the following two from this list:
- Whole Again by Jackson McKenzie:
(The above are also affiliate links. This means at no cost to you, I might get a small commission if you choose to purchase using my special links. This helps support my work).
Section 2: Health & Fitness
I completed 135 total workouts in 2019 out of a possible 192. That’s 20 less workouts than the year before, mostly because I was in India for 6 weeks at the end of the year.
I’m quite happy with my progress during the year. Looking back, my only memory of health & fitness in 2019 is that from May to November – I pretty much dedicated my life to training hard. I’m so thankful, that I had the gym in my life because it truly helped me.
It’s always been my happy place & sanctuary but this was the year that it took on greater importance during my time off. It definitely became my spiritual home. In the wake of the break up, I went through a lot of intense trauma, and things like boxing, weightlifting, walks – gave me a healthy place to focus my energy.
As ever, I was doing all this on a Vegan diet (it’s been 10+ years now).
Section 3: Business & Social Entrepreneurship
Revolution Hive took more leaps forward in 2019. In summary we:
- Secured our first ever grant from the Paul Hamlyn Foundation, who are supporting us to develop an exciting new idea through their Innovation Award.
- Took part in an inspirational residential for PHF grantees – with several notable mentors telling me great things about my life & work!
- Secured our first ever wave of public donations. Raising £3,000+ to support our in person Lessons for Life programme.
- Worked with more young people than ever before, and more partners than ever before.
- Enrolled a new cohort of highly skilled ELF’s (Education & Leadership Facilitators) to run our workshops
- We made a profit in our first official year of business as a CIC, and a turnover of ~£49,000
Inner Compass/YouTube
- In 2019 I published 69 videos & grew my audience on YouTube by 15,700 new subscribers. I also took a lot of time off, so this is an exceptional growth spurt all things considered.
Other notable things:
- I ran my first ever sold out live event – it felt like a great milestone
- I launched my own merch store!
- I made 121 course sales totalling $5,696 in revenue (despite not really pushing it that much)
- I completed a 2/3 month daily video challenge (uploading every single day)
Thank you for reading!
Here's my previous yearly reviews:
